May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
