I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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