I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
