We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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