Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize