Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
