My hand turned me down
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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