I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
