You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
