1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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