My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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