If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I know her cup size but not her name....
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
