Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
