I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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