I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
