She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
