He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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