i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
