Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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