He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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