I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
