Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Hippo gnu deer
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
