you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
