last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
