Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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