I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
