the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
