Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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