had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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