a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
