john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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