my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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