I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
