Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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