I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
