Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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