I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
