If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Randomize
