you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
