also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
