Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
