Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize