dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
