I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize