Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
