in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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