may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
