The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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