I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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