There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
