I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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