foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
