I wish I could teleport
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
