We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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