I have demons in me.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
