i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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