you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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