I wish I could punch you in the face.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
two words: eviction party
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
