I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
